


consume

by waveslikebones (bluedreaming)



Category: SHINee
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Alternate Universe - High School, Character Death, Gen, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Piano, Remix, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 15:19:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8061541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluedreaming/pseuds/waveslikebones
Summary: Do I need to remind you that I'm your friend and I care about you? Please tell me what's wrong.Icarus with his wings; Taemin keeps leaping.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Memento Vivere](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2780579) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



> **Additional Warning/Disclaimer: please note that a main character experiences a permanent injury which causes him to devalue himself and his life, resulting in suicide. This in no way reflects the author's attitude towards similar disabilities, and is in no way supposed to represent healthy behaviour. If you are struggling with similar issues, whether they are related to injuries or not, or if you know someone who is struggling with this, there are many resources where you can find help, such as the[National Suicide Prevention Lifeline](http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/) in the U.S.A.**
> 
> To the recipient,
> 
> You have such a wide variety of stories that I really had a hard time choosing one to focus on, but this one caught my attention and I couldn't help but want to explore it. I hope this is something you can like!
> 
> Note: the title is from [War of Hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4) by Ruelle.

 

 

VII. 

Soil falls from the shovel, grains of dark soil like bitter tears. Kibum blinks. 

Tries to figure out how he could have prevented this. 

There are so many dominoes stacked in a row, the phantom sound of a piano melody drifting between the trees; he glances up but it's only the leaves brushing against each other in the wind. 

Jonghyun's sister and mother are standing at the head of the grave, hands overflowing with white flowers. The only other person in attendance is a man in a black suit. 

 

 

1.

When he flexes his muscles, stretches his arms, fingers extended, leaps into the air, Taemin feels like he can fly. The thick cords of gravity no longer weigh him down; the pain of bruises, stubbed toes, burning muscles, everything dissolves in the joy of the dance. Air rushes into his nose and mouth, floods his chest, spreads tingling to his farthest finger tip as he reaches for the sun.

Icarus with his wings; Taemin keeps leaping.

 

 

VI. 

Dear Jonghyun, 

I'm not sorry for writing to your mother. You don't tell me anything, you just keep saying everything is okay and that doesn't reassure me at all. What's going on? Your mother told me that you don't go to school, you don't leave your room—that isn't like you at all. 

We've been friends for a long time. We've swapped notes at school, had sleepovers, giggled over crushes. 

Do I need to remind you that I'm your friend and I care about you? Please tell me what's wrong. 

Kibum 

 

 

2.

His bedroom is on the third floor, despite his mother's objection that it's so far from the main living spaces Taemin won't consider sleeping anywhere else. From his bedroom window, he can easily reach the old oak tree, climb up and down the dependable trunk.

"Hi," Jinki says, popping his head in the window.

"You're here!" Taemin grins, climbing out the window to land on the same branch as his friend. He slips a pocket knife out, spinning it between his fingers.

"I've been thinking; we should carve our names in the bark."

He likes the idea of their names being there, so high off the ground, still growing upwards. Jinki looks a little hesitant, but he nods his head anyway.

"Cool."

 

 

V. 

Dear Jonghyun, 

Thanks for understanding about exams; I really wanted to come but my mom put her foot down. Just because I'm not coming though, don't think I'm not worried about you. 

You seem different, lately. What ever happened to the mysterious piano? You just stopped talking about it. What's going on? 

You joked about ghosts when you first moved away but now you just say you're fine. It makes me think you're not fine at all. 

What aren't you telling me? 

Kibum 

 

 

3.

The new moon is the first mistake, a string in a comedy of errors, but then again, tragedies are only funny to the uninvolved bystander.

The funny thing is that Taemin, balancing on the windowsill, wind gusting through his hair, has never felt so close to the sky as he leans forward, mid-step across thin air, a leap he's made thousands of times into the oak tree.

The funny thing is that, when the branch—the split wood invisible in the darkness—on which he lands breaks, dropping him over 20 feet to the ground, for a moment he feels airborne.

Before he lands.

 

 

IV. 

Dear Jonghyun, 

I checked the photograph again but there's definitely an extra person. Are you sure it's only the three of you? 

I'm really sorry but I’m already worried about entrance exams; with all the extra acadamy work I don't think I'll be able to make it this summer. Are you in a cram school? Maybe it would work better for you to come visit. 

As for English, even if your teacher likes you, they can't mark wrong answers right. Have you been slacking with studying? Your mom will have your head. 

Kibum 

 

 

4.

"Broken bones heal," Jinki says. Taemin snorts bitterly; gestures with his hands at his legs, enveloped in thick casts and suspended in traction.

"The doctor says that, even with physiotherapy, he doubts I’ll be able to walk again," Taemin says, voice leaden, and Jinki's face pales. "If I can't dance, I might as well be dead."

His words sink, stones hitting bottom.

"That—that's not true," Jinki protests, voice stuttering slightly with the shock of Taemin's words.

Taemin only turns away.

 

 

III. 

Dear Jonghyun, 

Crushing on your teacher? I don't know, like it's cool if he's cute but don't start imagining things. If he's only giving you As because he likes you, that's practically cheating. He won't be grading your university entrance exam. 

So far mom still says I can come so I'm crossing my fingers she doesn't change her mind. Summer feels so far away but I can't wait—hicktown with ghosts is way better than the big city grind. All our apartment has is noisy neighbours. 

Thanks for sending me the negatives. I'm confused though, who was that boy at the end of the roll[1]? You’d better not be thinking about replacing me, your best friend. 

Kibum 

 

 

5.

He can sit at the piano, if someone helps him from the wheelchair to the bench. Taemin grits his teeth at the pain; doesn't make a sound.

His fingers do the talking instead, crashing down in angry peals on the ivory keys until he's gasping, out of breath, but the feeling of choking doesn't subside.

Jinki hasn't come to visit yet today and it’s night; he won’t be coming now. Taemin tries to tell himself that it’s perfectly normal. After all, Jinki has his own life: before the accident there were some days he didn’t stop by either.

The justification rings hollow. Nothing is the same anymore.

Taemin eyes the hateful wheelchair, tries to slide onto it from the piano bench instead of having to call for help. Mid-motion, his arms give way and he falls to the ground with a muffled thud, biting his lip to keep from crying. His mother hears him anyway.

The cage keeps getting smaller.

 

 

II. 

Dear Jonghyun, 

So what are getting up to out in the wilds? Do you miss the city already, or are you having way too much exploring a cool new place? What is it like? You didn't tell me anything in your letter. 

I miss you so much. Everything is so boring here now when I can't complain to you about the science teacher or hang out at the shopping centre. I have to sit beside that kid who picks his nose now and it's so disgusting. You owe me for leaving. 

Are you making lots of new friends? Any hot girls? Come on, spill. 

Kibum 

 

 

6.

It's dark. It's always dark now, and quiet, the silence pressing in on all sides as Taemin lies awake in his bed after an empty day, sitting in front of the piano and waiting for Jinki to come. Waiting for anyone to come.

If he can't dance, he's nothing.

_I'm so lonely._

The thought makes him angry, adrenaline giving him the energy to pull himself across the wood planks of the floor, normally shaking arms resolute as he hoists himself up onto the window sill.

His useless legs, still splinted, drag behind him.

Taemin looks up at the stars, and flies for one last time.

 

 

I. 

He wraps his arms around Jonghyun and gives him a hug, the last in a long time. Soon, he won't be able to casually bump shoulders with his friend, elbow him in the ribs when he's being particularly ridiculous. 

Kibum finally steps back, and lets Jonghyun climb into the backseat of the truck, the door closing between them. Jonghyun leans out the window. 

"You'd better write," Kibum says, swallowing around the lump in his throat. 

"Same to you," Jonghyun calls as his mother turns the engine on, and Kibum has to hold himself back from running after the vehicle as it drives away. 

 

 

7.

Et je chéris, ô bête implacable et cruelle!  
Jusqu'à cette froideur par où tu m'es plus belle!  
—Charles Baudelaire [2]

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> 1This section of the sentence was taken directly from the [original work](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2780579).  [ return to text ]  
> 2 Excerpt from the poem [Je t'adore à l'égal de la voûte nocturne](http://fleursdumal.org/poem/121).  [ return to text ]


End file.
